A Sad Beautiful Tragic Love Affair
by Nerwen Aldarion
Summary: One-shot. Red John is captured and time has passed, the team has gone its separate ways and Lisbon is still trying to come to terms with what happened and the scars that were left on her. The reunion at Cho's wedding gives her an opportunity to face those demons again...or maybe just continue to break her. Jisbon


Disclaimer: I own nothing. The song Sad Beautiful Tragic is by the lovely Taylor Swift

A/N: Two one shots in as many days, how is that possible? Thank Bruno, something he said in an interview just stayed with me and the next thing I knew this sad little fic had wormed its way into my head. This is is a one shot for now, I repeat this is a ONE SHOT...for now. I might turn this into something of a prequel novella depending on how well this is recieved. At any rate, yeah this is sad...but I also think it is something beautiful.

* * *

A Sad Beautiful Tragic Love Affair

Lisbon felt her heart race as they crossed the city limits into Sacramento again. It had been almost three years since she had lived there but only six months since the book tour had first made her come back to the city she once called her home. This time she wasn't going to be sitting down and signing books for six hours, this was a much more enjoyable and dreaded reason. It was stupid to be this worried though, she'd had lunch with Cho the last time she was in town and she'd spoken on the phone with Grace just last week. She shouldn't be concerned.

No one thought that he would be there.

She looked over and smiled at Chris, he was comfortable behind the wheel of her Mustang. It was his shift on the drive from Los Angelas to Sacramento and when they had entered the city limits he had immediately reached over to take her hand. He might not know exactly why she was anxious; all he knew was what he had read in her book. Unlike some people, Chris wasn't one to read between the lines. There was so much he didn't know. So much more she would never tell him.

Even after three years she didn't need a GPS to direct them to their hotel. It was on the west side of the city, close to the water where the ceremony was going to take place. Chris took their luggage while she checked into their room but was caught off guard by the familiar face that was also in the lobby.

"Wayne!" she said, breaking into a grin and immediately went to give him a hug. He responded by giving her a big bear hug in return, smiling like the Cheshire cat.

"Hello, Boss. I mean Lisbon…wow old habits die hard."

She shook her head with amusement. "No need to even be that formal. I've been telling you for three years to call me Teresa. That's what friends and family do."

Rigsby nodded back at her. "Well it's nice to see you again, _Teresa_. Did you just get here?"

"Yeah, Chris is bringing out stuff up to our room."

"Chris?"

"My date," Lisbon told him. She saw the sparkle in his eye and she smirked. "Did you think I'd come to this stag?"

"Well I had a few people in mind if you did."

She rolled her eyes and laughed lightly. "Sorry to disappoint you but your buddies from San Diego will have to do with bridesmaids." Lisbon sighed and cocked her head. "Where's Grace?"

"Out by the pool, probably relaxing since she doesn't have to worry about the kids for a couple of days."

"I'll bet," Lisbon agreed, she could understand that. Two kids and a stepson under the age of eight was quite a feat for any woman but Grace had a gentle hand, still it was nice to have a break too. "I'll catch her later. I have to check in but we'll be meeting up at the rehersal dinner right?"

"Of course, then the bachelor party," Rigsby said the last bit with glee. Lisbon bit back a smile, knowing Rigsby's choice in venue it would be an interesting night to say the least. She still remembered the stripper at her ten year party. Ugh.

Instead she just nodded her head and lightly tagged his arm. "It's great seeing you, we'll have to catch up later tonight. I want to see pictures of the kids."

"Of course, I want to meet Chris. Make sure he's good enough for you."

She rolled her eyes again and gave him a mock glare while he walked away laughing. Lisbon smiled at his retreating form, noting how light his steps were, how happy and free he was. It seemed easier to breathe for him now, him and everyone else. She wished she could say the same but at the very least she had trained herself to stop looking over her shoulder for an unseen attacker.

She was still having problems with waiting for the phone to ring.

Lisbon shook that thought away and turned her attention to the front desk to get the keys to her room so she could get back to what this weekend was about.

And what was best left in the past.

* * *

Chris cleaned up good in his dark blue suit jacket with a lighter shirt and a muted red tie. She was dressed up in a lightweight green cocktail dress that she'd managed to find in her closet to fit the event. He kept a guiding hand on her back as they made their into the room and she was grateful that she'd met him and known him long enough to be comfortable to bring him here. It would have been far worse to be here alone.

The rehearsal dinner was being held in a private room of an upscale restaurant in Sacramento, she could count the number of times she'd been here on one hand. But she knew that Annie had a few connections since she worked in the media, thankfully only in the style section and wasn't one of the reporters that had hounded her for years. Lisbon saw Cho's bride to be before she saw her old friend. She really was a lovely woman, a little younger than she thought he would end up with but with a gentle easy smile and a very classic look. Amazing clothes too but that was part of her job.

Then Cho appeared, flanked by a couple of older women that had to be his relatives. They clucked over him like hens and she giggled lightly, the poor man looked like he wanted to get away and elope to Vegas rather than deal with this. Then he caught her eye and she saw his normally stoic face crack a smile, there was so much respect there too, and relief. She knew he'd wondered if she would come or not but he should have known that no matter how much pain she suffered through, she would never disappoint him.

Lisbon didn't get the chance to head over and officially greet him before she heard a sharp gasp and was almost bowled over by Grace. "You're here! Kimball said you were coming but I'm so excited its true."

"Of course it's true," Lisbon told her, "I didn't miss your wedding, why would I miss his?"

"Oh I know, I'm just happy we are all here again…well almost." The dark turn to her words put a sour note on the reunion. Lisbon felt her breath catch in her throat and she did her best not to lose her composure. Chris couldn't be allowed to see that, not ever.

Grace was the one who recovered quickly, grinning once more. "How are you? I know the book did well."

Lisbon grimaced. "Don't remind me, that book tour took forever."

"It was amazing."

"No thanks to me," Lisbon told her, "It was all Kate's words."

"Stop being modest, you wrote a bestseller."

"It wasn't my writing, it was subject. Of course everyone would grab a book about the capture of Red John. People love the gory details."

"And how many of those did you leave out?" Cho asked, she hadn't heard him come up behind her.

Lisbon gasped, turning around to give him a quick hug. "Kimball. It's so great to see you. Congratulations to you and Annie, you guys are going to be so happy together."

"Thanks."

She kept her smile on her face as Rigsby came up and she decided now as a good time as ever to introduce her date. "Grace, Wayne, Kimball, this is Chris Jennings, my plus one."

Chris nodded and shook their hands. "Happy to finally meet you all. I've heard a lot about you, read about you too. Many times."

She shook her head again. "Chris and Kate work together, she introduced us."

They all greeted Chris warmly, which was no surprise. He was stable and comfortable, exactly the kind of person you wanted your friend to show up with at a wedding. That was what she liked about him; he was exactly what she'd needed for a long time. Most of all…it was nice to not be alone.

The chitchat continued for a few minutes before Cho excused himself to go mingle with more guests. Wayne and Grace spoke to Chris a bit more before Wayne offered to go to the bar and get a drink with the man, leaving the two women alone again. Something Lisbon had a feeling Grace had wanted.

"He seems great," Grace remarked.

"He is," Lisbon agreed, "not hard on the eyes either."

"Definitely not, kind of reminds me of Jake Gyllenhal."

Lisbon wasn't sure where Grace got her comparisons but she kept it to herself. "Yeah well he's really good for me. We aren't trying to rush into things, just sort of letting things fall into place as they go."

"That's good," Grace said but Lisbon knew that tone. It meant the dreaded question was about to slip past her lips. Sure enough, Grace followed it up with. "So how are you doing?"

"I'm fine," Lisbon assured her just like she did her brothers these days. "Really. The book tour is over so I'm back to being a private citizen. I'm working with the Feds in the Los Angelas branch so I'm working again, even if I'm not going out in the field. But really that's better for me now too. It's all good, it's nice being able to go home at a reasonable hour and have someone to go out with on the weekends. I'm finally…normal."

She'd rehearsed this speech so many times that she knew exactly what tone to use, what gestures were best, the right cadence on each word. He'd always said she was a bad liar but she'd found that practice with a particular lie made it perfect.

Grace studied her for a long moment before finally smiling. "That's good to hear."

Lisbon quickly changed the subject, the best thing to do to seal the lie. "How are the kids? I got your Christmas card but you've been rather remiss in your emails lately."

That was the surefire thing to get Grace to forget her concerns. She loved talking about her girls. Lisbon let her prattle on about Jillian's preschool and Hannah's latest escapade in the backyard with their older brother urging them on. Motherhood suited Grace perfectly; she didn't even resent giving up her job at this point. She was happy to finally be at peace.

All three of them were.

Maybe that was why Lisbon had felt the urge to leave. Just like he had.

Eventually the dinner had to start and she took her place next to Chris. The food was exquisite and sitting next to Grace and Wayne meant that the conversation flowed easily. Wayne was the best man so it was quite fun watching him stand up and give an awkward toast. There was also a slide show of pictures of the bride and groom, including baby pictures that Lisbon was very happy to see. It would be fun to tease Cho about those later.

The merriment continued even as the night waned, the guests started thinning out with the groom's party sticking around for the big send off. A few of them were already well on their way to getting hammered and the bachelor party hadn't officially started yet. Chris was having a conversation with Wayne which is why Lisbon found herself standing alone until Cho came up.

"Hey," she greeted him again, "Great party. I'm sure you're excited about tomorrow."

"Sure."

Lisbon smiled. "Annie really is lovely."

Cho nodded and she saw his eyes lit up, just like a man head over heels in love should. "She's amazing." He nodded towards Chris. "He's not so bad himself."

"We're taking it slow…but he's what I've needed for a long time," Lisbon repeated those words again. She felt vaguely like a parrot but as long as no one else noticed then she didn't care.

The problem was Cho. He knew, he knew more than most of them, almost as much as Kate. He knew but hadn't said anything either. She owed him that, owed him for a lot of things. Not just keeping her personal life a secret but also because she'd abandoned him a little. After all of the whole team he was the only one still working at the CBI. But he'd understood why she couldn't stay, not when she'd felt like nothing more than a shadow of the woman she used to be.

Even now she was still struggling to come to terms with the fact that that chapter of her lie was officially over…without the ending she'd truly wanted.

"How are you?" Cho asked. But his tone warned her that her well practiced lie was pointless here.

Lisbon sighed. "I'm…I'm breathing. I'm living and working and doing what I need to do. I know it's pointless to say otherwise, I think a lot about what happened; about him and I still…sometimes I still expect to get a phone call or to open the door. But I'm starting to stop. I'm not even sure if I even want to see him again anymore."

"Because you're afraid," Cho stated.

She numbly nodded her head. She released a breath. "I guess he isn't coming."

Cho shrugged. "I sent an invitation, who knows if he even got it. He never said anything to me."

Lisbon wasn't sure what to think about that. A part of her felt relief because she had no idea what she would say to him…what she would do if she had to look into his eyes again. But what worried her was the part of her that felt defeated at those words because she knew it meant she was still waiting…still hoping. And that was so dangerous.

"Yeah well, he hasn't called in a while," she said with a shrug that she hoped made it seem like she was blasé about it. "And you know I haven't actually seen him in years." She sighed. "Maybe he's finally found some measure of peace."

Cho gave her a hard look. "I doubt it."

Lisbon wasn't so sure, after all why else would he stay away? If he hadn't found something then why would he have left? Well she knew the answer to that. Yes there had been things keeping him in Sacramento, but none of it had been enough to actually keep him for long.

That was what hurt the most.

She pasted a smile on her face. "Before you ask, everything else is great."

Cho nodded. "I know, you wouldn't have come otherwise."

"I had to come. You're family after all."

That touched him obviously and he smiled softly. "Right."

Lisbon leaned in to give him a hug. "Have fun tonight, but no bride likes a hungover groom."

"As if they could out drink me."

She grinned and nodded. "I'll see you tomorrow. I promise not to cry."

Lisbon felt a bit like a mother watching Cho leave with the rest of the boys, the last of the birds flying the nest even if he wasn't hers. She'd certainly loved them as any mother or big sister could and she was proud to see that their lives had improved for the better over the years. It didn't really matter how her own feelings were as long as they were happy.

Chris came up and linked his arm through hers and she smiled again, letting him lead her out of the restaurant to the motel.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

But sleep didn't come easily to Lisbon that night. That wasn't much of a surprise since she spent most of her nights staring at the ceiling and thinking about the last few years. But it was even more difficult now, especially since she couldn't stop thinking about him when Chris was lying in the bed beside her.

After one she slipped out of the bed and put on a flimsy white bathrobe before padding down to the pool. Technically it was closed but Lisbon just ignored the sign, she wasn't going to go swimming anyways. Instead she sat in one of the lounge chairs and stared out at the still water. But her mind was back four years ago when she got everything that she ever wanted…and lost everything all at the same time.

Those weeks leading up to Red John's capture had been truly terrifying, beginning with her being knocked unconscious and covered with Brett Partridge's blood and ending with a nightmarish confrontation that had left physical and mental scars. But the truly horrifying part of the ordeal was the realization that it was ending, it was finally going to be over and then…then he would have no reason to stay. She'd grappled with ideas and hopes that maybe…maybe there was something else. Maybe she was that something else, that she would be enough. Maybe he loved her as much as she loved him.

She'd never thought that she'd be both wrong and right.

He'd finally said the words, once the battle was over and the monster was gone. He'd finally said what she'd wanted.

_"I love you, Teresa."_

But that was the first lesson she'd learned…love wasn't always enough.

He'd always said he would leave once it was over and he was right. He just never said he would come back…then leave again…and then come back. He'd leave and break her heart, only to return and pick up the pieces…then leave and shatter them all over again. And she'd done nothing to stop him, instead had relished in the time she'd had.

Lisbon leaned back against the chair and closed her eyes. Memories played behind her lids, she ran her fingertips over her arm as she remembered how it had felt to have his hands ghosting along her skin. She'd waited for him like a mistress and he'd come and gone as he'd pleased…though it was hard to say he was pleased about it. She'd thought that catching Red John would free him except he'd never looked more lost. She should have seen it coming, after all what do you do when the one thing you devoted your life for was gone? Lisbon had hoped that he would find something else…and maybe he had…but it hadn't been her.

And then one day he finally left and didn't come back.

The calls had continued though for a long, long time. Perhaps that was what had made it worse. To hear his voice and know he was so far away, every time the phone rang it rekindled her hope that maybe he would come back. If he called he still cared…he still loved her.

But the passing of time taught her that loving her had never been his problem and until he figured out how to fix himself…then he would never allow himself to be with her. And she couldn't bank on waiting forever. Things had changed and she'd had to join the living once more, had to start to interact and become a part of the human race.

The book had helped too, at least get some of that venom out of her system. Not all of it. No, but enough to make it easier to breathe again.

Lisbon sighed and closed her eyes again. If only she could forget though, forget the memory of his touch. Forget what it was like to love him so much. It would make it so much easier to lie down beside Chris and be happier.

For now content would have to do.

* * *

The sun rose on the wedding day and Lisbon managed to put on her make up and hide the circles under her eyes. It was easy to pretend to be happy when she was genuinely happy for her friends. It made it easier to smile and tell Chris she was ready to go as they got into her car to go to the church.

It was a lovely little church that they were to be married in, Annie was catholic which was another point in her favor as far as Lisbon was concerned. She and Chris arrived early and were greeted by a very enthusiastic Grace and a slightly sleepy and hungover Wayne. The guests finally started to arrive but not before Lisbon got a peek at the groom who was probably the calmest soon to be married man ever to exist…though she had a feeling on in the inside he was as nervous as the rest of them.

She and Chris took a seat on the groom's side of the aisle while Grace sat down next to them, grinning over the fact that her husband was in the wedding party. Lisbon kept the little wedding program in her lap and smoothed the skirt of her sapphire blue dress. She hadn't been sure about the dress when she'd bought it, rather _blue_ for her taste and it drew attention but Chris had appreciated it when she put it on so perhaps it had done the trick.

"It's so pretty," Grace remarked again, "the white roses and lilies are gorgeous."

White and silver was the theme and it really was quite classic, elegant really. It fit Annie perfectly. Lisbon grinned and nodded. "It's beautiful."

She turned to say something to Chris but Grace suddenly let out a loud gasp. "Oh my God."

Lisbon whirled around not sure what to expect at all, maybe just the bride coming out early. It took a moment for her to look through the throng of guests to see what had stunned Grace so…and then she saw him.

Patrick Jane looked exactly the same, probably wearing one of the very suits she'd always seen him in. No tie of course, he never did wear those things even if it was a wedding. Not that it mattered, his own handsome looks and good manners went a long way for making up for any kind of etiquette.

Grace got over her stupor and jumped to her feet to greet him. He grinned his beautiful devastating smile and wrapped her up in a hug though Lisbon was too far away to hear what he was saying.

Lisbon couldn't move, couldn't blink, couldn't even breathe. All she could do was stare at him as the blood froze in her veins and her stomach clinched in a knot so tight she felt sick. He was here. He came.

He came back.

Jane looked over the top of Grace's head and caught her eye. They stared at one another and she ached to know what he was thinking. There was sadness in his gaze, pain, regret and a bit of joy too if she wasn't mistaken. She couldn't imagine what he saw on hers…probably the fact that she was about three seconds from jumping up and running.

"Teresa? You all right?" Chris asked her, patting her shoulder.

Lisbon managed to tear her eyes away from Jane to look at her boyfriend. "What?"

"You're as white as a ghost."

Of course she was.

"I…I see someone I know," Lisbon stammered out, "I haven't seen him in years."

And then he was coming over; or rather Grace was half dragging him over. Yes she would do that, thinking that this was a pleasant reunion between friends. She didn't know the secrets that lay between the two of them. Painful, tragic secrets.

He stood there in the aisle, putting his hands in his pockets. "Hello, Lisbon."

_Breathe. Breathe. Breathe_.

"Hello, Jane," Lisbon managed to speak, her voice soft since her mouth was bone dry. "It's been a very long time." His gaze flicked over to the man beside her and suddenly she remembered who she was sitting next to. "Oh…Chris, this is…this is Patrick Jane."

Chris stood up to shake his hand and she saw a flicker of something in Jane's gaze. Sadness? Pain? She didn't know, it didn't really matter did it? "Hello, you must be her date. I'm an old friend of hers."

"Yes I've heard about you. An amazing story really."

"That is one way to put it."

Lisbon sat there numbly, her cheeks burning now. All she could do was stare at her hands and hope to God not another word was said about him or her…or him and her.

Grace threw her arms around Jane again. "I can't believe you didn't say you were coming."

"You know how I love to surprise people," Jane told her jokingly.

"Where have you been?"

"Here and there."

Grace rolled her eyes. "Fine keep your secrets but you aren't going to disappear so fast. You're sitting right here." She half shoved him into the empty seat next to her.

"I wouldn't dream of moving from this spot," Jane replied, giving her another smile.

Grace was ecstatic, beaming with happiness that their whole family was actually reunited. Lisbon couldn't say the same. She wasn't unhappy…but she wasn't quite so pleased with the turn of events either. Mostly she was in shock. Jane was here. He was back…and she honestly had no idea what to think of that.

Except she knew it wasn't for her.

Jane's attention was captured entirely by Grace who started badgering him with questions immediately. Jane was evasive with his answers, teasing her with hints here and there but never giving her a clear picture of what he had been doing the past four years. He did steer the subject back to her making Lisbon shocked to know he was well aware of Grace's family. She'd thought he'd written all of them off entirely.

Every so often Jane would peek around Grace to look at her and she would flush all over again. How would she survive this? If he knew so much about Grace did he know…? No, he couldn't. There was no way.

Then the ceremony started.

It was amusing watching as Cho and Rigsby both spotted Jane as they made their way to the aisle, the latter of whom actually tripped. It did take a moment for them to regain their composure but Lisbon was sure there would be another warm reunion afterwards. Then the music started and the bridesmaid and the bride made their way down the aisle. The service began but Lisbon didn't hear a word of it. Her mind was four years ago and one seat away from her.

Why was he back? Why did he keep looking at her? What was he thinking? What would he say to her?

Suddenly she heard the loud music and the clapping started. Shit! It was over and she hadn't even noticed! Lisbon jumped to her feet and awkwardly clapped along with the rest of the guests but she felt completely out of sorts because now that the wedding party was leaving it was perfectly acceptable for the guests to mingle and chat.

And she honestly had no idea what she would say to him.

Lisbon turned to Chris immediately. "I'm going to run to the restroom real quick, why don't you bring the car around so we can get to the reception."

He looked a bit startled by her speed but Chris just agreed to it, no questions asked. She slipped down the row, awkwardly bumping into others in her haste to get away. She had no idea where the bathroom was and she didn't really care. Instead she found a door that was unlocked and rushed inside what turned out to be a storage closet.

She leaned against the shelf next to a some large bottles of bleach and covered her face with her hands, trying to blink back the tears. "Oh God, oh God, oh God," she repeated over and over again, trying to take deep breaths and control her anxiety.

"It's okay," she told herself, "It's okay. He's here for Cho, not for you. Remember that. He'll be gone once this is over and you won't see him again…because he isn't here for you."

Saying it out loud made it all the more real…and more painful.

Finally she took a few more deep breaths before stepping out of the closet. At least pretending to be ready to face him.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

The reception was in a large garden a few blocks away. It was beautiful like everything else with a large buffet that had so many delicacies. The line for the food was long so Chris told her to find a table while he got their food. She was fine with that, it gave her the chance to be on the lookout for Jane.

Maybe he wouldn't come. Maybe it was just for the ceremony. Maybe he was already on a plane to somewhere else.

But she didn't really believe that and that was proven when he finally came in with Grace and Wayne, still pestering him with questions and chitchat. Again he caught her eye but didn't step towards her, not yet at least.

Lisbon kept an eye on Jane the entire time until Chris finally joined her. She waited nervously to see if Jane would sit at their table but was relieved when he instead stepped back in the throngs, not taking a seat but instead content to stand and watch…her mostly.

Cho and Annie arrived and all of the flourishes of the party began. The toasts, the first dance, the cutting of the cake and the bouquet toss that Lisbon had declined to take a part of. But she did accept Chris's offer for a dance, something he was very good at. She merely laughed and apologized every time she stepped on his toes while trying to keep up with the beat. They weren't in sync but they were good together, having fun, even if she knew she wasn't completely in to it.

She and Chris were standing and talking to some other guests when he came up. She didn't actually hear him…but she knew his presence immediately. Lisbon turned to meet his gaze, staring into his beautiful eyes once more, the same sad, painful shade as the day he walked away. "Hello again," he told her lightly.

She nodded. "It's…it's very surprising to see you. I didn't know you would be here."

"I'll admit to hesitating," Jane told her, "but I knew I would regret missing this."

"I know the feeling," Lisbon replied softly.

Chris turned and noticed who she was talking to. "Oh, Patrick Jane wasn't it."

"Yes, and you're Chris," Jane said shaking his hand again.

"I'm happy to meet you. I've heard about you, read it too."

Jane smiled. "Well her book is very illuminating though I'll admit I believe she was more complimentary then what reality truly is."

"Oh no," Lisbon said shaking her head. "Everything else was the truth."

"Yes but how much did you leave out?" Jane asked.

She sucked in a breath; suddenly terrified that Jane would announce their secret to the whole party. She wouldn't put it past him. But Jane merely gave her a sly wink. "At any rate, she certainly wrote an amazing book. I must have her sign my copy some day."

He had a copy? The idea of Jane reading her book had never crossed her mind…she actually had been afraid he would hate her for it.

"You must be proud of her," Chris said.

"Oh yes," Jane agreed. "Very much so." He eyed the man in front of him. "Actually I was hoping if I could steal her away for a dance."

What? Dance? With _him_?

"You'll have to ask her," Chris replied and all eyes turned towards her.

Lisbon blinked up at Jane, still mystified before numbly nodding her head. Then he slipped his hands into hers…oh God, his hands, before leading her out to the floor mid song. She mostly stood there, unsure of what to do, she didn't even know if she had control of her own limbs anymore.

"Don't look so frightened," Jane told her teasingly, "I'm not going to hurt you."

At least it woke her up out of her stupor a bit. "I'm not so sure," she replied, "I never can know with you." She eyed him warily. "Why did you come?"

"Like I said, I had to see this for myself."

"And so you have."

"And so I have," Jane agreed.

Lisbon looked away, trying to hide her blushing cheeks when Jane put his hand at her waist. Even through clothing she could feel that warmth…so close to the heat it had been when there had been nothing between them but skin. "You read my book," Lisbon said stilted.

"You thought I wouldn't."

"I wasn't sure what you would think of it."

Jane shrugged. "Far be it from me to deny you some outlet to heal…I just hoped it helped."

"It did," Lisbon admitted, "I needed to let some of it out. Perhaps it was the cliché thing to do…but it was something I needed."

"Then I'm glad."

She still didn't look at him, silently wondering what he thought of her words. What had he been thinking as he read the pages she'd devoted to him, as she described some of the pain she'd endured through those years of working with him…and the barely disguised love there as well. He must have seen the dedication.

Kate's had been simple _"To the victims and their families, may they now find peace with justice being served_.

But hers had been far more personal _"For C, R, and VP with love. And J…from my heart to yours"_

God why had she put that down?

She was startled when Jane pulled her up against him, lacing his fingers through hers. At first she couldn't breathe, being so close to him once more. It took her a few moments to realize the song had changed…now it was a low melody, the beginning of a slow, sad song. The guitar picked mournfully before the band leader began to croon.

_Long handwritten note deep in your pocket_

_Words, how little they mean when you're a little too late_

Had they written this song for them?

"Is he the same one?" Jane asked suddenly. Lisbon looked up to see he was staring down at her, his eyes filled with something…she was too afraid to identify.

The same one. Oh yes.

"No," Lisbon told him, "that one never went anywhere."

She remembered what he was talking about, the last time he called. Eight months, two weeks and four days ago. She'd let it slip that she was going on a date later with someone…and Jane had hung up a few minutes later.

And hadn't called back yet.

_I stood right by the tracks, your face in a locket_

_Good girls, hopeful they'll be and lonely will wait_

The calls had started after the last time she saw him. First every day…then every few days. Weeks would go by but never too long. After two months without another call Lisbon had a feeling that would be the last call.

But why?

_We had a beautiful magic love there_

_What a sad beautiful tragic love affair_

Lisbon rested her head against his shoulder, smelling the scent of his skin and the barest hint of cologne. The same scent she used to breathe late at night, lingering on her pillows. The one she tried to recapture in the shirt he didn't know she still had.

"He's good," Lisbon told Jane, but she didn't know why. "He's stable and sweet…he writes with Kate and leaves me little notes sometimes."

Jane smiled but it was one filled with pain. "That does sound good."

_In dreams I meet you in warm conversation_

_We both wake in lonely beds in different cities_

Lisbon finally opened her eyes to look into his, letting him see the emotions she was barely keeping in check. "What happened? What…what could I have done?"

"Nothing," Jane cut her off quickly. "It was never you."

"You still left," Lisbon reminded him. "You still left me."

"I know," he said, his voice low with emotion. "But I couldn't stay…because you are better this way."

She wasn't sure about that…but she noticed one thing he omitted. "And you?"

Jane didn't say a word, but tightened his grip on her waist.

_And time is taking its sweet time erasing you_

_And you've got your demons, and, darling, they all look like me_

"I live in the past," Jane said softly, "and it was wrong of me to take what I did from you when we both know I was never good for you."

Lisbon looked away. "I didn't care."

"No," Jane agreed, "It's what made it so easy for me to take it."

_'Cause we had a beautiful magic love there_

_What a sad beautiful tragic love affair_

Lisbon blinked away tears, the song speaking far too close to home now but there was no way she could leave. Not when she was finally at a place she'd always wanted to be. Had dreamed about.

Somehow she knew he dreamed the same things.

"I tried," Lisbon said. "I tried so hard."

"It wasn't you," Jane repeated. "You're an angel…and far too good for me."

_Distance, timing, breakdown, fighting_

_Silence, this train runs off its tracks_

"That old excuse."

"It's still the truth."

Lisbon shook her head. "It doesn't make any of it right. It doesn't make what happened better…especially when you know I never believed that."

"And that's why it's so hard."

_Kiss me, try to fix it, could you just try to listen?_

_Hang up, give up, for the life of us we can't get back_

She pressed her face up against his shoulder again as they continued to sway to the music. She hated this, hated being reminded of how hard all of this was. Of the pain she'd endured and how much she had sacrificed to try and save him. She'd hoped so much that with the monsters gone that he would be all right…that he would finally be hers.

But that was not meant to be.

"I loved you," Lisbon whispered softly, "I loved you so much…and I don't know how to fix that."

_A beautiful magic love there_

_What a sad beautiful tragic, beautiful tragic, beautiful_

She heard him falter, felt his breath catch in his chest. "I know," he whispered back. "I don't know how to fix it either."

What she didn't know was if he was speaking for her…or himself.

Lisbon shook her head and tried to hide her tears. "At least we know. We know and we tried. We don't have to wonder."

_What we had ‒ a beautiful magic love there_

_What a sad beautiful tragic love affair_

Jane reached down to tilt her head to look up into his eyes again. "I'll always wonder. Always regret… always wish…wish things could have been different. But that's my burden to carry…because I walked away."

_We had a beautiful magic love there_

_What a sad beautiful tragic love affair_

She couldn't tear her eyes away, even as the guitar slowly faded off and the melody ended. The song came to a sad mournful end, just like it had started. Jane stopped but still held her chin in his hand. He leaned down to place a long kiss on her cheek, so close to her lips…but not enough. Never enough.

"I'm sorry," he whispered into her ear. "I want to be what you need."

Lisbon couldn't hide the tears in her eyes anymore. "Then be it."

"I don't know how."

She brushed one tear away. "Then tell me how to stop hoping," she begged.

Jane shook his head again. "I can't either. And I don't know how this will change."

She couldn't see a way out of this either…and the middle of a dance floor would never be the place to figure it out. If they even could. Maybe this was it. The sad end of a beautiful love. She sighed, wiped her eyes and put on her brave face. "Then take me back to him."

Pain flickered in Jane's eyes before he nodded. "Of course."

He kept her hand in his as he walked her back over to her date, not letting go until he handed her back to Chris. Both of them sad that they had to let go.

But neither one of them knew how to hang on.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Jane didn't come talk to Lisbon for the rest of the reception and she stayed by Chris's side, willing herself to find real happiness in his present with someone who had never done anything to hurt her. She knew Jane couldn't say the same, actually he would be the first one to admit it. But it was harder for her to accept failure, to recognize that the person she'd loved for so long would never be able to share her life with her.

Instead she put on a mask of joviality as the reception continued, ending with Cho and his new wife rushing out of the hall in a shower of rice. Their car was decorated with white letters exclaiming their new marital status and someone had the gall to drape the interior in lingerie, including a black thong that was tied to the antenna and flying in the breeze.

The guests watched them leave, all genuinely happy for the couple. Then they all began to disperse, saying their goodbyes, grabbing their thing and determining who was sober enough to drive home. Lisbon was quick to find Wayne and Grace, the latter of whom had a little too much champagne. She was giggling the entire time as she hugged her friend, making her promise again and again to call more. Then Wayne scooped up his tipsy wife to put her into the car, no doubt to have a reenactment of their own honeymoon at the hotel later that night.

She didn't expect Jane to come up to her, had actually wondered if maybe he would just disappear like he'd done before. But Jane surprised her, standing on the edges of the party again and making his move as everyone started to leave. She held her breath when he came up to her, taking her hand once more. "It was wonderful to see you again, Teresa."

Lisbon couldn't speak, just nodded her head. Was this goodbye forever? She didn't know, she hated the idea of never seeing him again but honestly didn't know what she would do if she did. Her life was hanging by a thread, having him become a more permanent fixture might snap that tenuous grasp.

Jane leaned over and kissed her cheek again, another long an almost too passionate kiss. "I'll see you around."

It was a blanket statement that could mean nothing and everything. It was just like him to leave her with a question instead of a real answer.

She watched him disappear from her life, never having the guts to actually speak to him. It was probably for the best though, she might have said too much.

Chris came up behind her and wrapped one arm around her waist, she struggled to smile as he steered her towards the car. It was over. Finally over.

* * *

Lisbon and Chris merely changed their clothes and repacked their bags when they made it back to the hotel. They had a bit of a drive ahead of them and they couldn't stay the rest of the weekend. She was a little glad though, she was ready to leave the city that held so many memories, all tinged with some kind of pain.

She took the first shift on the long drive, steering the conversation to the wedding strictly or their own personal lives in Los Angelas, she didn't want to talk about him. Not for one minute.

They stopped for dinner at a roadside diner, telling Chris she didn't care what they had as long as it wasn't eggs. He never did understand her vehement hatred for the breakfast food and she wasn't sharing why scrambled or over easy eggs were never on the menu at her home.

Chris was taking the last stretch, idly humming along to the music. He had a love for country western which wasn't really her thing but it was better than him listening to jazz, that would have been far too painful for her to endure. He reached over to take her hand once or twice and she accepted it, even enjoyed it, it was nice to have someone to hold her. Even if she still thought about the way it felt to have Jane's fingers lacing through hers once more.

"So, what is up with Patrick?"

"Huh?" Lisbon asked, startled that Chris had brought him up so late in the drive.

"Just wondering what is going on with that guy."

Lisbon chose her words with care, knowing that if she said the wrong thing then she would be saying too much. "You read my book, you know what happened to him. He's still broken from losing his family and without Red John as a goal…he doesn't really have much to tether him anywhere."

Chris glanced at her for a moment. "He was looking at you weird."

"What?"

"Like an obsession or something."

Lisbon pursed her lips and looked away from him. "Jane isn't obsessed about me."

"Okay, maybe not but he…he looked at you as if you meant everything to him."

She finally turned to meet his eyes. "What are you thinking?"

Chris looked over the tops of his sunglasses to meet her eyes. "I think he's in love with you."

Lisbon felt her heart seize up at the word love. The worst part was that Chris was right, he was in love with her…but love wasn't enough to keep him with her. But she didn't explain the complications of her relationship with Jane. Instead she shook her head and turned back to the window. "If Jane loved me he wouldn't have walked away without a word," she told him simply, "he wouldn't stay away."

He was quiet for a moment as he rolled her explanation over in his mind. Then he shrugged simply. "You're probably right." Chris smiled at her warmly then turned up the volume on the radio, singing along under his breath to an Alan Jackson song.

Lisbon smiled back at him and then looked away again, trying very hard to keep her tears from falling down her cheeks and hoping that Chris would never see through her lies.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

They stopped by Chris's apartment first so she could drop him off. He offered to let her stay but she reminded him that Katie was waiting at her own home and she couldn't force her to stay another night. She promised that they would get together again later that weekend, if not earlier and kissed him lightly goodbye.

Lisbon turned the radio off and drove home in silence, watching as the buildings became sparser and the palm trees started lining the road. Then she saw the beach on the right side of the road and she felt a little better. She'd chosen a home right on the beach mostly for the waves, the calming sound helped make her feel a little less sad, a little less alone. The advance from her books had helped her put a down payment and the massive sales later had ensured that she would always be able to keep it.

At least she had something going for her.

It was dark when she pulled into the driveway of her little beach townhouse, parking beside Kate's white convertible. She left her suitcase in the little landing by the stairs and headed straight for the living room where Kate was still up, flipping through a magazine. "Hey!" her friend said, jumping up to give her a hug.

Only a few years younger but with long straight blonde hair and fierce blue eyes, Kate epitomized a California girl or a cheerleader. It was hard to believe that she was a bestselling author instead of a model or actress but Kate had brains that matched her beauty. She was also so gentle and understanding, never trying push and always willing to listen. Lisbon had never expected this woman to show up in her life, as many people clamored to write the bestseller about the hunt and capture of Red John it was Kate who had actually pitched the idea of writing with her to help her make sense of it all. And it was Kate who had asked an innocent question one day only to hold her in her arms while she cried for six hours.

She knew everything, one of the few people in this world who did.

"How was it?" Kate asked, genuinely wanting answers. It was the writer in her, she loved drama and gossip.

"It was beautiful," Lisbon told her, "Cho's bride is so lovely and it was great seeing Grace and Wayne again, their kids are gorgeous."

"That's wonderful."

Lisbon looked away, chewing on her bottom lip. She was going to tell her, there was no reason not to. "He was there."

Kate's eyes widened, she knew immediately who this _he_ was. "Oh my God. What did you say? What did he do? Did he want to try again?"

"Calm down," Lisbon told her, "I can't answer everything at once."

"I'm sorry it's just…wow!"

Lisbon just took a seat on the sofa calmly, waiting for Kate to get it out of her system. Finally her friend turned to her with a simple nod to continue. "He showed up right before the ceremony and sat down next to Grace. We didn't actually speak much until the reception."

"Did he meet Chris?"

Lisbon nodded. "But Chris still doesn't know about Jane and me."

Kate raised an eyebrow. "You must have gotten very good at hiding it."

Lisbon looked a little annoyed at that comment but brushed it off. "All Jane and I did was talk. He danced with me and told me he was sorry…but he basically said that same thing he always did. He can't be what I need as much as we love each other."

Her friend looked at her seriously. "You still didn't tell him."

"Of course not, it wasn't the time or the place."

"When will it be?"

"Probably never, he's completely broken and I have to come to terms with the fact that he never will be fixed. I'm not going to put anyone else what I went through…and I'm not going to force anything either. Jane can't do it, he told me that himself. It's over. I'm moving on."

Kate didn't look quite as sure; it had never really sat well with her. But she knew too that Jane wasn't the only one broken by everything, she was shattered too. The difference was that she was at least attempting to find a new life.

Finally her friend nodded. "All right, you probably are right. Besides, who am I to judge?"

Lisbon smiled and hugged her friend again. "Thank you, thank you for understanding."

"Anytime." Kate grinned, "But I know what you really care about."

Lisbon blushed a little. "I'll be right back."

"I'll be here, watching those ridiculous housewives again. I think one of them is getting a boob job or something."

She laughed as she pushed off of the couch and headed for the stairs while Kate turned the volume of the TV up. Lisbon felt a lightening of her heart, the best time her burdens eased was now, in her home with the only thing she had that she couldn't regret.

Danielle's room was only two doors down from hers; a bathroom and a closet separated them. The little girl had a lovely room with white furniture and lavender colors everywhere, she'd declared that purple was her favorite color and her mother had been all too happy to indulge her.

Dani was fast asleep, curled up in her bed with one little hand tucked under her cheek and the stuffed giraffe under one arm. Lisbon crept in and looked at her child, running her fingers through her soft blonde hair, a riotous mass of curls that would never be tamed. It fit her daughter so well.

Lisbon sat down on the bed and then curled up next to her child, fitting in perfectly with her. She rested her head on her pillow and breathed in the scent of her baby, powder and citrus, the perfect combination.

She leaned over to kiss her temple lightly and stroked her hair again. "I love you, Dani. My gift, my hope, my everything." The same thing she said every night when she tucked her in.

Life had been so cruel to her once Patrick Jane entered her life; never ceasing even after the threat of Red John was gone. But at least she had something beautiful, some gift that she could on to.

A hopeful end to one beautiful tragic love affair.

The End

* * *

A/N: Don't know why I wrote this, I'm crying over the keyboard. God this was depressing but I kind of enjoyed it, I know shocking since I love angst so much. I'm hope you guys enjoyed this, if you guys really really like it and really really want me to then I'll let my muse run wild and maybe continue this. But it was also made to stand alone if you want. Let me know what you thing.


End file.
